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One Thing To Consider Doing When You Are Upset

One of the best ways to heal from loss is for someone to bear witness. 

Last week, I was upset with Amy, my co-founder.

I didn’t want to be.

But I was.

And why have feelings when we can just eat them? Just checking to see if you are reading closely. 😉

Anyway, we were meeting, and she asked how I was feeling. Instead of confronting the issue in a professional way, I danced around my difficult and guilty frustration.

But then she asked me, “Are you mad at me?”

And the words came out, “I am.”

She then did something very important.

She didn’t get mad back.

She didn’t retaliate.

Nor did she make it about her.

I’ve shared something with you previously, and I will share it again. I learned this from Emma McAdam: We should stop trying to feel better. Instead, get better at feeling.

My experience with this emotion last week is a great example of that.

What surprised me is that as soon as I said out loud, “I am mad,” the feeling of being upset began to dissolve.

Those of you who are psychologists will tell me that anger is a secondary emotion, that I was really feeling something else –– probably sadness.

But that’s not the main point right now. The point is as soon as I got better at feeling, I felt better.
And, It was HUGELY helpful that someone –– the person I was upset with –– was willing to hold that space. She created a figurative safe place for my feelings.

This was a gift.

Therapists are amazing at this, and so are coaches, but what if each of us could be a little bit better at giving the people in our orbit the space to feel?

What are the takeaways:

  1. Find people in your life to hold space. Sometimes you will need to ask for it.
  2. Recognize every story you have, someone may hold a different version. And that is ok. It doesn’t make you, or them, wrong.
  3. Be a person who holds space for others. Take the time to train yourself how to do that; it rarely comes naturally.

If we could get 5% better, even 1% better at this, what would be the positive consequences in our workplaces or our homes?

As for the rest of the story, Amy and I co-wrote this post –– and our working relationship is now stronger, more connected, not weaker, because we had this conversation.

Our podcast guest this week is Stacey Gordon, founder and CEO of Rework Work. Her course about unconscious bias has consistently been one of the top-viewed courses on LinkedIn Learning since the course launched. Her book on how to weed out that mindset is called Unbias: Addressing Unconscious Bias at Work

I loved having her on the podcast. I invite you to listen and learn from her superpower of redirecting without shaming. It is impressive.

As always, thank you for being here.

My best,
Whitney

P.S.  We suggest you consider a copy of Smart Growth as a gift for the graduate(s) in your life. As they launch into the messiness of adult-ing and are looking for a way to orient themselves, the S Curve is a framework for what change looks and feels like. Graduates are at the launch point of adult life. It will feel messy. Situation normal.

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